I've been reading the end-of-the-world prognostications from your side now that the healthcare reform bill has passed. Clearly, we had underestimated your ability to predict the dire consequences of offering reasonably priced medical insurance to poor people.
Healthcare reform is just the latest tactic in our diabolical plan to undermine freedom and the free market. As you may have noticed, we sneaky progressives have already abolished slavery, have allowed blacks and women to vote, have created national parks and forests, have outlawed child labor, and have deprived your children of lead-painted toys, alcohol, and cigarettes. Recently, we tiny minority of left-wing extremists secretly elected a black President right under your noses. While Real America -- that is, the 2% or so of Americans who live on farms in the Midwest and Southwest -- was blissfully unaware, we have slowly taken over.
We liberals had planned to work in secret to corrupt or destroy everything you hold dear, but you have penetrated our scheme. Since our cover is already blown, I, a true liberal, have decided to come clean, to save you the trouble of ferreting out the rest of our plans.
Here, in summary, is the Secret Liberal Agenda:
* We will take away your guns and give them for free to illegal aliens.
* We will increase your taxes and use the money to build concert halls for performing Broadway musicals written by gay composers.
* Henceforth, gay marriage is MANDATORY for heterosexuals, but people who are actually gay will get to decide when and if they marry.
* We will teach science to your children in public schools.
* Effective immediately, the United Nations will get to decide what screen saver you run on your computer.
* Community-minded, charitable tobacco companies will no longer be allowed to give free cigarettes to children in third-world countries.
* Your Hummer will be confiscated and replaced with a Prius. If you complain, your Prius will be confiscated and replaced with a bicycle.
* Every conservative, including the men, will be required to have at least one abortion per year.
* We will permit African-Americans, Hispanics, and even Jews to openly drive their cars on the public streets in YOUR neighborhood, in broad daylight and without police supervision.
* A windmill will be constructed in your backyard to deprive you of your rightful quota of healthful, clean coal smog.
* We will force you to recycle your copies of the Wall Street Journal.
* We will give homeless people free memberships in your country club.
* Your megachurch will be converted into a tractor factory run by a workers' collective.
* Your daughter will be permitted to marry a card-carrying union member.
* All theaters will have at least one screen showing subtitled foreign art films.
* As you have already predicted, death panels will be established by the government to decide who lives and who dies. Your review date is a week from Tuesday. Don't be late.
* We will hang a Mapplethorpe photo on your living room wall. We will specifically select one that does not match your sofa.
* Effective immediately, arugula is a daily part of your balanced diet.
* The gate on your community will be left open, allowing THOSE PEOPLE to enter.
* Country music will be regulated by the EPA as a form of noise pollution.
* We will force you to follow ALL the rules that Jesus taught, including those inconvenient parts about giving your money to the poor and being a peacemaker and loving your neighbor.
* You will no longer be allowed to increase your sexual potency by eating the genitalia of endangered species.
* The political movement to allow Texas to secede from the Union is hereby granted its wish. As a housewarming gift, we offer you Sarah Palin as your first President. Please take her and go, with our blessing and best wishes.
* The book of Revelations will no longer be considered as a basis for making foreign policy.
* Inner-city minority citizens will be allowed to vote just like you. Their votes will be counted fairly. Sorry for the inconvenience.
* We will install solar panels on the roof of the American Legion hall.
* Your copy of Windows Vista will be replaced with FreeBSD.
* Use of the metric system of measurement will be mandatory, but it will be referred to as Système International d'Unités.
* While we're at it, you will be required to learn to speak French.
* Wingtip loafers will be outlawed, and the wearing of Birkenstock sandals will be rewarded with generous tax credits.
* You will be given a day off to celebrate Martin Luther King Day, in spite of the fact that he was not white.
* We will make you use LED bulbs in your 35,000-lamp Christmas yard display.
* In a move to end free enterprise once and for all, Wal-Mart employees will be unionized and will receive decent wages and benefits.
* All new petrochemical factories will be built adjacent to multi-million-dollar executive homes and condos. Enjoy the view.
* You will be required to allow homeless people to move into all but one of your houses. You may keep one for your family, however.
* We will teach your wife positions other than Missionary Style, and encourage her to use them on you even though God dictates otherwise.
* Your male children will be taught to do housework, and your female children will be taught math and science.
* Instead of John Wayne movies, you will be required to watch Brokeback Mountain.
* Fox News will be renamed to The Other Comedy Central and will broadcast in Spanish with English subtitles.
* We will use imminent domain to seize your McMansion and turn it into a halfway house for drug rehab patients.
* We will disallow from holding the office of President anyone who cannot speak in complete sentences.
* Your children will be permitted to read the dictionary, even if it defines "oral sex" in a precise and clinical way.
* Teams of jack-booted thugs will tase and flog anyone who says the earth is only 4,000 years old.
* Sesame Street and Teletubbies will be available to your children 24 hours a day on a special government-funded cable channel. Yes, we will teach your children to be NICE to other people. Be afraid.
* Coors beer will be banned. Instead, you will drink Guiness or Fosters.
* Gays will now be allowed to serve in the military. However, we will adopt a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with regard to stupid bigots.
* The IRS will no longer allow your yacht as a tax deduction, even if once a year you say the word "business" while sitting in the captain's chair and drinking a Martini.
* The shortage of personnel for military service will be alleviated by drafting the children of all Senators and Representatives who voted for the Iraq War, as well as drafting the daughters of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.
* From this point onward, having an Ivy League PhD is something of which one should be proud rather than ashamed.
* Football will be replaced by soccer, but we will still call it football because that is what other countries call it.
* During the month of December, you will be required to say "Happy Holidays" to everyone you meet.
Now, I realize that to good God-fearing, freedom-loving capitalists such as yourselves, this all sounds scary. But relax. We liberals are kind and compassionate souls, and we don't want to frighten you or force you to live in our dystopian vision of tomorrow. So we offer an alternative plan.
Below are a list of several countries where government regulation is at a bare minimum, hard-working free enterprise thrives unfettered by bureaucracy, and an ambitious entrepreneur can become quite wealthy and powerful without fear of excessive taxation or government interference.
Once you have reviewed the list, please select your preferred destination, and we liberal elites will provide one-way air fare free of charge so you can move there. If you prefer, you can buy your own airline ticket instead, so you are not guilty of accepting a government handout. After all, we know how you hate hypocrisy.
Here are the countries from which you may choose:
* People's Republic of Texas
As you can see, your list of choices includes several countries with lovely tropical climates, low taxation, and permissive gun laws. Nigeria offers excellent opportunities for Internet entrepreneurship, while Colombia and Pakistan are ripe for pharmaceutical industry pioneers. If you prefer to work in the military-industrial complex, consider Afghanistan or Sudan. Russia and Dubia are rich with possibilities in the financial sector, and in Haiti you could make a fortune in the construction industry without being burdened by annoying building codes. If your dreams of riches involve petroleum, consider the People's Republic of Texas.
I am sure you will find any of these countries to be preferable to the new neo-Socialist USA under Obamacare.
One final word of caution, though, as you select your new home: Review the laws of your prospective country carefully. It is possible that some of the above-listed countries may have nationalized healthcare.
Enjoy your new life!